First-Time Father Feeds the Baby
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 9, 2010
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, “What in the world are you doing?”
He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”
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Condom on the Old Lady’s Organ
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 8, 2010
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”
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Drunk Woman Blows Chunks
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 7, 2010
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.”
The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand… Chunks is my dog.”
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Amazing Elephant Story
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 6, 2010
In 1986, Mike Mason was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mason approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mason worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mason stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mason never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mason was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mason and his son were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mason, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mason couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mason summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mason’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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Husband Died of Gonerrhea?
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 5, 2010
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the really big shit that he really was.”
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Introductions on a Plane
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 4, 2010
A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya’ll from?”
The east coast girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”
Hokey Pokey Creator Died Recently
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 3, 2010
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the life and death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part, for his family, was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in…
And then the trouble started.
Man Does Not Want to Become a Vegetable
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 2, 2010
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She’s such a Bitch…
Man of the House
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 1, 2010
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “Well, dear, the f#ckin’ funeral director would be my first guess….”
Grannies Guess an Old Man’s Age
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on June 4, 2010
Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
A grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can tell my age.”
One of the ornery grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to turn around and jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!”
Confused, the old man asked, “How in the world did you guess?!?!”
The ornery old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Zombie Killing Ain’t a Crime
