Jokes
Tattoo on His Privates
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!” he said proudly. “What the hell were you thinking?” [...]
Photo on Her Nightstand Scares Him
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at [...]
Getting Older — Little Tony’s Opinion
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.” Little TONY replied, “My [...]
Wife Says We Cannot Afford Beer
My wife… She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and that I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending: $65.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership. I asked how come I [...]
Old Man Says, “Got to Keep the Old Motoring Running!”
It was the stir of the town when a white 80-year-old man married a white 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old [...]
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked [...]
Your Fly is Down
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man [...]
How Do You Play ‘Who Am I?’
One Monday morning, Roy, the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like [...]
Wife Makes Hubby Happy and Sad at Same Time
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can’t tell me something to make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife thought for a few moments, then said, “Your pecker is bigger than your brother’s …” Sarcastic MySpace Comments
Died of Gonorrhea
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “Yes, [...]
