Archive for category Jokes
Wife Makes Hubby Happy and Sad at Same Time
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Adult Humor, Alcohol, Drinking, Funny Jokes, Humor, Jokes, Sex Joke on February 8, 2012
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can’t tell me something to make me happy and sad at the same time.”
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, “Your pecker is bigger than your brother’s …”
Died of Gonorrhea
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Adult Humor, Funny Jokes, Humor, Jokes, Sarcastic, Sex Joke on February 7, 2012
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the really big shit that he really was.”
—————-
Get more great jokes and funny sh…..tuff at Simply Frogg… and don’t forget to wash behind your ears!
Pissing and Moaning?
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on February 6, 2012
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you’d like to know.
Little Joe Wants a New Bicycle
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 22, 2010
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it right now.”
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Joe told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.”
highlight text in the box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
The $1.00 Golf Resort
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 21, 2010
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00. He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure – that’s what our golf balls cost.”
“Well,” said the man, “If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”
“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here, we get you by the balls.”
Old Man Gets a New Friend
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 20, 2010
An older guy was somewhat lonely and decided he needed a pet to keep him company. So, off to the pet shop he went. He searched and searched but none of the pets seemed to catch his interest… except for this ugly frog. As he walked by the jar it was in, he looked and it winked at him.
It whispered, “I’m so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home with you. You won’t ever be lonely again.”
The old guy figured, what the heck… He hadn’t found anything else. So, he bought the frog and he placed it in the car on the front seat beside him.
highlight text in box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
As he was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to him, “Kiss me and you won’t be sorry.”
So the old guy figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately The frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, beautiful princess.
The princess then returned the old man’s kiss.
Suddenly, the old guy felt himself changing from her kiss.
Can you guess what he turned into?
C’mon…. Be a sport. Take a guess.
He turned into…
The first motel he could find!
He’s old…. not DEAD!
highlight text in box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
From Good to Bad to Worse
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 19, 2010
Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your 12-year old daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Worse: Wife caught the two of you and screamed, “Oh HELL no!”
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s thirteen.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Old Grandma Speaks in Coutroom
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 18, 2010
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
highlight text in box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
What Are You Selling in Here?
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 17, 2010
Two businessmen in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn’t ready only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a deep Southern drawl asks, “What’re y’all sellin’ here?”
One of the men replies, “Oh! We’re selling assholes here.”
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, “Well, I see y’all’re doing really good, y’all only got two left!”
highlight text in box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
Old Lady Denies Having Crabs
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Jokes on July 16, 2010
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have crabs”
She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, “You probably have crabs.”
“NO” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it’s crabs because I am an eighty-year old virgin. It can’t be crabs.”
The doctor said, jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
After examining her the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, you’re right. You don’t have crabs… This cherry is so old, you have fruit flies!”
highlight text in box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
-
You are currently browsing the archives for the Jokes category.
Zombie Killing Ain’t a Crime
