wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head No.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.

wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head No.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

“You disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, “Hang on just a minute, luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And Paddy began – “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.”

“The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.”

“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.”

“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.”

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”

Americas Best MySpace Sarcastic Comments

I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid … be very afraid!

A NEW VIRUS … just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the e-mail.

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your Sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would SO sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes. ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two whores and a homo.

Americas Best MySpace Attitude Comments

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them.

“My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

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One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”

The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.Andrew.”

The Teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I’ll give you the $10.”

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know, Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said ‘Jesus Christ’.”

Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”

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<a href="http://www.americasbestmyspacecomments.com/graphics/girls/" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://americas-best.com/graphics/pics_jesus-loves-you-but.jpg" border="1"><br /><strong>Americas Best Sarcastic MySpace Comments</strong></a>

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water ?Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!”

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Moral of the Story: Try not to have a shitty day, OK?

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a ride.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the truck, as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back of the truck with their bike, will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorcycle into the back of the truck and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so he steps on the gas

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he’s carrying to which he replies jokingly, -”Mexican eggs”

The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this, so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

“I’ve got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it – 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already.

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A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ‘em!”

Americas Best MySpace Computers Comments

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say