Archive for category Humor
Gay Male Flight Attendant
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 27th, 2010
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.
“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”
The REAL Story Behind Creation
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 26th, 2010
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”
And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.”
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!”
And Satan said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Walking In On Your Parents
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 25th, 2010
So little Johnny walks in on his parents…. Johnny is shocked, Mom is appalled and Dad’s just giggling a little bit figuring Johnny had to learn about it somehow or other.
The next day Dad comes home from work and walks in on Johnny doing Grandma. The Dad ask, “What the hell is going on here?”
Johnny responds, “It’s not so funny when it’s your Mom, huh?”
His Pickup Line Didn’t Work
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 24th, 2010
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
He turned to her with a sleazy, sly grin on his face and said, “Say, honey. . . I’d really like to get into those pants o’ yours.”
“Thanks,” she shot back without flinching, “but I’ve already got an asshole in there.”
Hillbilly Saves a Woman’s Life
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 23rd, 2010
wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head No.
“Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.
wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head No.
“Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.
Why He Cheated on His Wife
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 22nd, 2010
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
“You disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”
And Paddy (for it was he) replied, “Hang on just a minute, luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And Paddy began - “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.”
“The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.”
“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.”
“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.”
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”
New Computer Virus: C-Nile
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 21st, 2010
I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid … be very afraid!
A NEW VIRUS … just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the e-mail.
Would You Sleep With Brad Pitt?
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 20th, 2010
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your Sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would SO sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The boy replied, “Yes. ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two whores and a homo.
Pretty Girl Wants Her Tomatoes to Turn Red
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 19th, 2010
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them.
“My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
place your cursor over text box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code
Most Important Person In History
Posted by Blakk Frogg in Humor on May 18th, 2010
One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.Andrew.”
The Teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I’ll give you the $10.”
As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know, Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said ‘Jesus Christ’.”
Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”
place your cursor over text box and press Ctrl-C to copy the HTML code