My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

Americas Best MySpace Girls Comments

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.”
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!”
And Satan said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

So little Johnny walks in on his parents…. Johnny is shocked, Mom is appalled and Dad’s just giggling a little bit figuring Johnny had to learn about it somehow or other.

The next day Dad comes home from work and walks in on Johnny doing Grandma. The Dad ask, “What the hell is going on here?”

Johnny responds, “It’s not so funny when it’s your Mom, huh?”

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.

He turned to her with a sleazy, sly grin on his face and said, “Say, honey. . . I’d really like to get into those pants o’ yours.”

“Thanks,” she shot back without flinching, “but I’ve already got an asshole in there.”

Americas Best MySpace Toilet Comments

wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head No.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.

wo hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head No.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

She begins to breathe again, The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.