0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
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6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.
7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say
