A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following tems on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

“First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.”

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue… salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys… smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks… this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits… At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Jesus, what do you call that drink?”

She smiles widely at him and says, “Blow Job Revenge.”

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO which costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man leans in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly; WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.WHOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.”

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DON’T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON!

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

IF a someone says there ain’t no God, tell’em to go tell the cow, she’ll understand better.

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Leo was a lion and wanted everyone to know he was King of the Jungle. So he went through the jungle reminding everyone just who he was.

He came upon a monkey and asked him “Who is the greatest in the jungle?”

The monkey, trembling in fear replied, “Why, you are Leo. You are the great sovereign of the jungle.”

Leo said, “Yes, and don’t you forget it.”

Next Leo came upon a wildebeest and asked him the same question. “Who is the greatest of all in the jungle?”

The wildebeest, shaking so hard he could hardly speak, said, “You, King Leo, are the great potentate.”

Leo walked away reminding the wildebeest to never forget that fact.

Then Leo came upon an elephant and proceeded to ask him the very same question. “Who is the greatest of all in the jungle?”

The elephant just reached out and wrapped his trunk around the lion, almost squeezing the breath out of him, and pounded him against the ground several times. Then he pounded him against some trees. Again he pounded him against the ground. In a little bit the elephant dropped Leo to the ground and walked away pushing over trees as he went.

Leo laid there trying to get his wits and said, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to have an attitude.”

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Never name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences oughta’ be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

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Life ain’t about how fast you run, or how high you climb. It’s about how good you bounce.

Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

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Trouble with a milk cow is… she won’t stay milked.

Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

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Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain’t helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.

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Two can live as cheap as one… if one don’t eat.

Don’t corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar… if you’re into catchin’ flies, that is.

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It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don’t go drinkin’ with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

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You can’t unsay a cruel remark.

Every path has some puddles.

Don’t wrestle with pigs. You’ll get all muddy, and the pigs’ll love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The early bird gets the worm. But… the second mouse gets the cheese.

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The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a durn good reason for the move. You can’t post: Thou Shalt Not Steal Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of Lawyers and Politicians. It just don’t make sense.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car . . .

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water . . .

You can say 110 degrees without fainting . . .

You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off . . .

You can make sun tea instantly . . .

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron . . .

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance . . .

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one . . .

It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets . . .

You actually burn your hand opening the car door . . .

Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter . . .

A formula less than 30 SPF is a joke and you only wear that to go to the corner store . . .

Hot air balloons can’t go (at all) . . .

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car . . .

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear, “what if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death”?

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

When a man in Macon, Ga., came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, “Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.”

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn’t from Macon.

“Well, then,” the reporter said, “the headline will probably say, ‘Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.’”

“Actually,” the man said, “I’m from Connecticut.”

“In that case,” the reporter said in a huff, “the headline will read, ‘Yankee Kills Family Pet’.”

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

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One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn’t have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.

A short while later, he finds what he’s looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.

So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.

He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, “Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!”

The hooker replies, “Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?”

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A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the United States, given the vast and expansive landscape from which we OUGHT to have no trouble getting the fossil fuel to meet our needs.

Blakk Frogg figured out the problem and believe it or not, the answer won’t surprise you one damn bit: Nobody bothered to check the oil!

Simply put, we just didn’t know we had started to run low and the reason for our not knowing comes from a purely geographical reason.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Michigan, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas….

… and our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

Any Questions?

The World’s First Politician

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