Math Problem Easy for a Dog
A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. “Right!” exclaimed the boy.
His dog won first prize.
Americas Best MySpace Animal Comments
Her Weight at the Doctor Office
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.
“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”
This Scale Tells You the Truth!
If Quality of My Life Goes Down…
Last night, my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and dumped out my beer.
She’s such a bitch.
Computer Error: YOU’RE SCREWED
Old Ladies Sexually Harrassed on the Bus
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”
The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. “Excuse me, sir, could I help you?”
The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!”
Men Make the Strangest Requests!
No Abilities? No Problem, Americans!
Washington , DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle-man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every talented hire.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough measures to make it difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember “rightey tightey, lefty loosey.”
“This new law should be real good for people like me,” Gertz added.
Said a Senator who wished to remain anonymous: “As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, the opportunity to take up some sort of space in this great nation and get a good salary for doing so.”
How Stimulus Packages Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. That’s $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. That’s $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus Plan worked.
Bitter Truth About the IRS and Customer Service!
Sexy New Game at Neighborhood Swinger Party
One Monday morning, Roy, the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.”
Grab ‘em from behind and keep ‘em guessing!
Montana Golf Rules About Bear Droppings
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.
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Admitting the Truth Really Helps
TONS of self-help books out there harp on the fact that many among us live in alternate (fake) realities and for that reason have great difficulties interacting with other people. Personally, Blakk Frogg thinks more people need to heed the advice in the image below… ‘cuz he took the advice to heart a long time ago and people LOVE him now. (not!)
Actually, more people loathe and detest Blakk Frogg since he ‘took the first step’… and for some odd reason he does not care. Hmmm….
20 Ways to Play With a Pussy?
Admit it… You wish YOU knew 20 ways to play with a pussy — that wouldn’t get you arrested! Except in Georgia, Alabama, Kentucky, and parts of Wisconsin.
Yep. 20 ways to make that pussy purr. Are ya’ ready?
Oh, wait… what kind of pussy were YOU thinking about? You PERVERT!