Americas Best What?
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Blakk Frogg Wear?
blakk frogg took the challenge from women worldwide!
Several days ago, or maybe more like a week ago, Blakk Frogg re-posted a bulletin/blog entitled "The ABC's of Ex-gf's and Ex-wives" knowing full well that he would catch a lot of static from women because they found it 'offensive, mysogynistic and downright rude to women'.
Blakk frogg did NOT, however, count on getting numerous messages from friends telling him that he should create and post a NEW bulletin/blog entitled "The ABC's of Ex-bf's and Ex-husbands"..... and write it from a female's vantage point! True to his nature, though, he took the challenge and did just that:
Note: Any word in single quotes ('asshole') references a word defined in the Alphabetical Listings.
A stands for Asshole, which as you will recall, WAS your prefered pet name for him the last few months of the relationship. To his face, behind his back, loudly across a crowded dance floor, or secretly under your breath. Asshole. Say it loud, say it proud!
B stands for Betrayed. Never mind the fact that the 'asshole' may have accidentally grabbed your best friends breasts the other week. Let's focus, instead, on the fact that every woman enters relationships thinking she has met Mr. Right and that he will do all the wonderful things earlier Mr. Wrongs could not figure out... only to eventually find herself Betrayed by a deceitful Mr. Wrong using the assumed name of Mr. Right. NOW you can focus on the 'asshole' grabbing your best friend's breasts the other week.
C stands for the Compassion you really ought not show the pathetic loser the first few times he called at 3 AM, drunk off his ass, begging for forgiveness, hoping to get a piece of ass, despite knowing full well you will NEVER forgive him for comparing your mother to a sea cow when you both went to the beach with your family last Summer.... or for not warning you that his friends planned to stop by around the same time you did him a HUGE favor by having sex w/ him in the living room in the middle of the afternoon.
D stands for Drunk Dialing. All women HATE having their beauty sleep interrupted by the 'asshole' seeking 'compasssion' or a place to park his 'penis' because he couldn't locate a 'skank' to play with for the evening and he's too drunk to jerk off.
E stands for Ego, and you wished to God all through the relationship that you could beat it out of him. For once, just ONCE, if he stopped and asked for directions, asked for help fixing something he knew nothing about before he break it on a whole new level, or didn't brag to his friends how he tore it out the frame the other night while 'fucking' the dog snot out of you.
F could have stood for Foreplay, but instead it stands for Fucking, which you didn't mind doing with him, except for the fact that he always forgot about Foreplay. Although nice to know that your 'vagina' acted like a magnet for his 'penis' and grubby little paws all the time, it would have been nice if he at least ACKNOWLEDGED that you had OTHER body parts as well before giving you that 'helpless' feeling which undoubtedly accompanied his retarded, and somewhat violent, attempt at passionate lovemaking.
G stands for Grateful because you no longer have to put up with his annoying habits, the smell of his feet, belching, farting, drunk friends stopping by every weekend for the Big Game, etc. On a side note, if the Big Game happens every weekend, what the Hell is so BIG about it? I mean, like, really.... There's another Big Game NEXT weekend so what's the big deal if they skip this one?
H stands for Helpless, which you feel when the 'drunk dialing' occurs at 3 AM on a Wednesday night and 'compassion' accidentally leaks out because he sounds so.... 'pathetic'. It also represents the Helpless feeling your 'uterus' felt sometimes after a night of 'fucking' orthe look on your face as a result of 'yogurt'.
I represents all the Ignorant sexual stuff he tried to get you to do by telling you that all his friends' girls do it, so why won't you? Also, let's not forget all the time the 'asshole' quoted some cheesy porno flick in an effort to get you to bend over, grab your ankles, and bark like a horny chihuahua -- all while wearing 7-inch heels!
J stands for the Jealousy, and a lot of men can't seem to understand that a pretty girl WILL get hit on at a bar, club, restaurant, city bus, airport, laundromat, amusement park, car dealership, funeral home, and (THEIR) best friends' backyard BBQ. Why can't they take it as a sign that all the other guys take it a sign that they have excellent taste in women? Also, make sure not to let Jealousy creep into your mind when you meet the 'skank'.
K stands for Kickstand, and you certainly don't miss all the times the 'ego' of the 'asshole' caused him to try and put it places it didn't belong, you didn't want it to go, or weren't even AWAKE to deal with. See also 'penis'.
L stands for Lucky and he's damn Lucky you didn't break off his 'kickstand' all those times his 'ego' caused him to skip over 'foreplay' before you even had a chance to wake up. He should also consider himself Lucky you didn't treat him to regurgitated 'yogurt' all those times.
M stands for Masturbation, which you will now have to do, but that ought not pose a problem since the 'asshole' and his 'kickstand' rarely ever did the job right anyways. See 'orgasm'.
N stands for Nothing... and that's exactly what you should feel the next time you see him in the mall, on the street, around town, at the club with a 'skank', or on an episode of COPS getting arrested for soliciting prostitutes with his buddies.
O represents the wonderful world of Orgasms, which your now more frequent than ever 'masturbation' habit will help you to rejoin. This time the warm feeling between your legs will come from YOU, and not the 'asshole' whose 'penis' finished before you even got started.
P stands for Penis and you certainly won't miss all the bad sex it gave you, toilet seats it caused to get left up, urine it deposited on the floor, and endless comments from the 'asshole' about how good/large/magnificent he thought it was and how many 'orgasms' he'd convinced himself that it gave you.
R stands for Rebound and any 'asshole' worthy of the name 'asshole' will CERTAINLY make it known to you that he has moved on and found a new female to torture with his 'kickstand'. Don't let that bother you, though, because he selected her for all the wrong reasons. See 'skank'. He doesn't love her and for him to flaunt the the 'skank' in front of you most CERTAINLY means he never really loved you, either. All together, ladies, say..... 'asshole'
S stands for Skank. Synonyms that you have undoubtedly alread CALLED the little bitch include hoe, slut, tramp, trailer park bimbo, floozie, mattress mouseketeer, hoochie mama, hooker, barfly, etc. Keep all these words handy the next time 'drunk dialing' takes place so you have something other than 'compassion' to offer the 'asshole' at 3 AM on a Wednesday night. Tell him to give the 'Skank' some yogurt and to stop 'drunk dialing'.
T stands for Testicles, which the 'asshole' substituted for brains on more than one (thousand) occasion(s). Not much more needs saying here, I don't think.
U stands for Uterus, which thankfully he will no longer keep trying to pound into oblivion during what he called passionate lovemaking. Why can't men figure out that bruised pelvic bones and our inability to walk right for several days more closely resembles the aftereffects of a car wreck than those of an intense, pleasurable night of great sex. See 'fucking'.
V stands for Vagina and you should feel proud to own. Treat it nicely with tons of TLC (see 'masturbation') now that he will no longer be there to make lousy attempts at pleasuring it. Also, keep in mind that no matter how you ended things with the 'asshole', he will always remember the way it felt... and 'drunk dial' from time-to-time in an effort to feel it again.
W stands for the Womanhood you can now freely enjoy with your girlfriends now that the 'asshole' no longer stops you from hanging out with them because he considered them a bunch of jealous hags who hated him. Side note: They really DID hate the 'asshole' and now you will get to hear ALL the reasons why over a few pitchers of margaritas and sangria.
Y stands for Yogurt, the texture of which you may now safely enjoy now that the 'asshole' will no longer have any opportunities to forget to tell you he's about to climax during oral sex.
Z stands for Zero, which should sum up the amount you owe that 'asshole' after all the ridiculous situations, disputes, disagreements, etc. whichg started because hise 'ego' wouldn't allow him to see that using 'testicles' for brains really DID not make sense -- again and again and again. Also, please remember 'yogurt'.
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- blakk frogg
- thanks for reading Volume 85 -