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Americas Best What?
Use these links to access all the jokes, pics, sarcasm and, um, other useless crap Blakk Frogg has posted on this site over the years.... ENJOY!
Use these links to access (much) older pages from this site... if you're some kinda' retarded archeologist. Loser. ;)
Blakk Frogg Wear?
Blakk Frogg advances his sarcasm by digging deep in his beer-soaked brain for cool ideas so that you can tell the world to put a cock in it!
blakk frogg is sarcastic for life
Blakk Frogg heard you scream, "tie me up tight & wear me out" before you had to pick your speed 'cuz you were ready to screw a texas tart at the end of a cheap date... Hopefully ya' did-r-good!
Check out the cool gear
at the Blakk Frogg Store
Friend contract for 2006?
After serious consideration...
Congratulations! Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the new year 2006.
It was a hard decision to make, so try to be friendlier, less shady and more caring next year.
I'm giving you another chance so...
DON'T MESS IT UP!
Be grateful, too. Others were deemed borderline or sub-standard and a few people's contracts were NOT renewed...
( They KNOW who they are )
- ripped from an email!
Christmas stamps?
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
- email delivered the goods!
More holiday humor?
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
- email dropped this on me!
Blakk Frogg bakes?
'Tis the season for Blakk Frogg to share a secret recipe that guarantees complete cookie satisfaction... whatever that means.
Gather the following ingredients and follow the damn directions, please:
- 1 cup of water
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 cup of sugar
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 cup of brown sugar
- lemon juice
- 4 large eggs
- 1 cup nuts
- 2 cups of dried fruit
- 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your bowl.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to burn off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
- email left me this gift!
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Crackers? A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any crackers?" Bartender says, "No." Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" Bartender again says, "No." Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that 'no!' ... and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" Bartender says, "No." Duck replies, "Good. Got any crackers?" - from email! |
Carolina Gamecocks? Blakk Frogg lives in South Carolina within an hour's drive of the University of South Carolina so naturally he had to take a side. For all those who don't LIKE the Gamecocks, too bad and YOU can put a cock in it!
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Real man's beer troubleshooting guide?
Blakk Frogg drinks beer. He also thinks some people need assistance when they drink beer because they have not yet learned the appropriate responses to common beer drinking situations. Therefore, he proudly posts this next segment for their education... assuming those dumb froggs even know how to READ, that is.
Symptom
- Cause
- Corrective Action
Feet cold and wet
- Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
- Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet
- Improper Bladder Control
- Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
- Glass empty -OR- you're holding a Miller Lite
- Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
- You have fallen over backward.
- Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
- You have fallen forward
- See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
- Mouth not open -OR- glass applied to wrong part of face
- Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred
- You are looking through bottom of empty glass
- Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving
- You are being carried out
- Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark
- Bar has closed
- Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
- Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
- Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
- You are dancing on the table
- Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear
- It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
- Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
- You're in the ladies' room
- Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
- You have been in a fight
- Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
- You've wandered into the wrong party
- See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
- You're in jail -OR- you accidentally joined the navy
- Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
- You're in a gay bar
- Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted
- The beer is too weak
- Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song
- Beer is just right
- Play air guitar
- yep, the email stork dropped off this gem!
Crime of passion, crime of the flesh or plain stupidity?
some people (and cats) don't have the brains to cheat properly
Nervous priest gets carried away with the sermon?
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
- The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
- emailed jokes kick ass!