Americas Best What?
Use these links to access all the jokes, pics, sarcasm and, um, other useless crap Blakk Frogg has posted on this site over the years.... ENJOY!
Use these links to access (much) older pages from this site... if you're some kinda' retarded archeologist. Loser. ;)
Blakk Frogg Wear?
Put a cock in it? WTF?!?
Blakk Frogg celebrates 40 editions of americas-best.com! No turning back now! The fight must go on! Mount up and head out! We have people to offend! Dress yourself in Frogg Gear and make your friends jealous, your parents mad, and your neighbors nauseous!
Oh, and if anyone gives you static over this, tell 'em to put a cock in it!
Sarcastic for Life?
Remind everyone to take a chill pill because no matter what they say, you will always claim sarcastic for life!
Deeper the better?
Whether it's philosophy, a medieval moat... or a pornographic episode in the back of a rented SUV on prom night with twin supermodel cheerleaders, blakk frogg digs deep!
Death by peanut butter?
Peanut Butter Kisses -- Ordinarily for most folks the scent of peanut butter on the breath of their kissing partner would not trigger alarms. The presence of peanut butter chunks, on the other hand, would cause a bit of alarm.
For a young lady in Canada neither one of those appealed to her and one, in fact, proved deadly.
You can get the whole story here.
Why did Blakk Frogg bring this tragic set of events to your attention? The story seemed so far out that he had to read it twice as a result of his initial disbelief. Figured you might like a chance to do the same. Deal with it.
damn right! the old rules sucked monkey spit through a straw!
Everyone knows Blakk Frogg loves sarcasm. Duh. You'd have to have an IQ less than 35 not to figure THAT one out on your own. So, in honor of his wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor, he now posts some "New Rules" he thinks may have come from one or more of Bill Maher's monologues.
NEW RULE: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooooooh, you're a huge a$$hole.
NEW RULE: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!
NEW RULE: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
NEW RULE: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a re-designed pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
NEW RULE: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
NEW RULE: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
NEW RULE: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&M's, I'll go nuts and eat two.
NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
NEW RULE: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
NEW RULE: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
NEW RULE: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
- these came from email, so blame the ISP!
Blakk Frogg believes in gun ownership?
Blakk Frogg knows the dangers of firearms so he keeps his Smith & Wesson SW9VE locked up and unloaded with the shells kept in another location. Granted he can get to that location quickly with tool in hand so he can load up should the bad guys break in, but only he would know where to look for the bullets. Safety first, folks. Otherwise buy a dog to protect yourself.
Does that mean Blakk Frogg has no sense of humor about handheld portable lead slinging weapons? Nope. In fact, he has quite a great sense of humor regarding the topic and looks forward to the next time he gets to pistol whip someone.... Someone like YOU!
Heh-heh-heh.... Just kidding. Ahem. Maybe? Nah. He has the uncanny urge to pound your skull into the concrete with the butt of his gun. So, like you know.... meet him out back in fifteen minutes, OK? And don't be late! Tardiness will get you an extra kick in the ribs!
Frogg and friends know how to party like rock stars?
Ride-by greetings from Blakk Frogg?
News Flash: Blakk Frogg caught riding his motorcycle after a few cocktails and showing love to on-lookers! Sources close to the photographer say Blakk Frogg consumed 4 gallons of moonshine before mounting his two-wheeled instrument of death. While we find this hard to believe, no doubt that damn Frogg drank something that night! Look at his shoes! Who the hell wears mocassins on a motorcycle?!?!?
A brief word of thanks from Blakk Frogg?
Over the past few years many people helped me get through life and keep this website, as well as others, alive and well. To all of them, on this momentous occasion when the 40th Edition of Americas-Best.Com hits the web, Blakk Frogg says thank you and hopes you will keep tuning in to see what new and exciting shit pops up on this domain.
To those of you who doubted this site would ever work, well, Blakk Frogg wishes you no ill will. But please, do drink the "Special Edition" Kool Aid on your way out this evening. I made it just for you, ya' fuckin' bitch ass haters!
- thanks for reading Volume 40 -